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~ Went out to meet a friend the morning, to get help getting giant bags of cat litter home, and while I was out we stopped by the Granville Street Diner to give their food a try. Despite hearing reviews from locals like, "The food's not that great," or, "Don't bother going there," I found it a pretty good place. The food wasn't spectacular or anything, but it was exactly what I was hoping for, and the hot hamburger I had was really close to hot hamburgers served by a restaurant that I miss because it's back in the city I moved here from. I haven't had one in almost a year, and it wasn't exactly the same, but it was close enough to be comparable, so I was pretty happy with it.

The service was extremely fast, and I haven't yet found another restaurant that serves bottomless mugs of tea, coffee, or hot chocolate for only $2. So in all, a good restaurant when you want cheap tasty food but want something a bit more substantial than fast food.

~ Had a dream that I came out to my parents as transgender, and despite knowing I've told them such before in real life (though mostly that I don't identify with my physical/assigned sex), in the dream, they freaked out. Maybe because I'd made the decision to start living with a male appearance and was working toward that in a much more serious way than they'd ever seen, I don't know, but they were both extremely unhappy, talking about how they'd lost a daughter and were really upset and didn't know how to handle it.

I can get people not knowing how to handle it when someone comes out to them, because it's a mental readjustment you have to make, but even in the dream the whole "I've lost a daughter" bit stung, because they haven't had a daughter since I was in my early teens and decided that nope, I don't like being female, even though I'd never heard the word transgender at that point. I even remember one time, out shopping with my mother, when she made some comment about me having grown up so well but to her I'll always be her little girl, and I turned around in the middle of the mall and said to her that I am not a little girl. And I think she took it to mean that I was embarrassed by her and that I'm a grown person and not a kid, but even that hurt because only 2 days before that I'd talked to her about why I hated being female and the assumptions people made about me when they saw female attributes. It felt like she was trying to shove me back into some parent-approved box that I had just finished telling her I don't fit in.

So it's not like my parents haven't heard some of my trans issues. But I don't think they remember them very well, because we barely see each other anyway and conversations are so far apart and my issues aren't central to either of their lives. In the dream, I tried to tell them that getting so wailingly upset and making the announcement all about them was derailing and offensive, because I was being brave trying to be honest with them about a big part of my identity and struggles and they're now making it all about how hard it is to be them, having a kid with those struggles.

I have no idea why I had this dream, but wow, do I ever feel uncomfortable about the next time I talk to either of them...

~ But in happier news, I got a lot more Final Fantasy X played last night! I got through the horrible Blitzball game in Luca, and it only took me 4 resets before I actually won the tournament. I know winning isn't essential to the game progressing, but it just feels wrong to let Wakka's last game be a failure instead of a victory. I won, 1-0, and I consider even a single goal to be a good thing because I am absolutely terrible at that minigame!

I stopped playing right before the Chocobo Eater boss battle, and did a bit of level-grinding right before that so I'd be in decent condition when I fight later.

~ I did get some writing done, though I'm not caught up to where I should be by NaNo standards. Closer than before, though. I'm a bit less than a day behind now, instead of two days, so it won't take me much effort to catch back up. I just need to sit down and actually write, instead of getting distracted by fun video games.
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~ I made a batch of blackberry syrup. Blackberries were on sale nearby, 2 6-oz packages for $4, so I picked some up with the intent of making syrup. I now have 500 ml of blackberry syrup cooling in a mason jar on the kitchen counter, and a bowl of stewed blackberries that I want to bake into a cake soon, so that I can use them in something too.

...It does sort of look like I have a jar of blood on the kitchen counter, though. I feel very vampiric right now.

~ Found out that not only is my province 1 of only 2 in Canada that doesn't have treatment for trans folk covered by health care, but there are pretty much no trans counseling services in the province either. There's a general counseling service in another city that says they offer help for people with gender identity issues, but that's not really their area of expertise. In other words, I live in a pretty lousy place, Canada-wise, for health care actually recognizing that I may need something from them. It's bad enough that I'm constantly misgendered by people on the street, but the idea that I might not even be able to find a doctor who could understand and help me work toward transition... It's disheartening. One of those things that makes me feel defeated before I can really even begin.

~ Switched this journal from LiveJournal to DreamWidth. I've had other DreamWidth journals before, and I like the site in general, but there isn't much community to it, and very little activity. Of course, a few days of looking at LiveJournal told me there wasn't much activity over there either, anymore. And I was reminded of all the things that LiveJournal had done over the years to make me dislike what the company had become. So I stuck everything back over here on DreamWidth. Even if there still isn't much community activity going on over here, at least I won't feel bad, supporting a site with policies I disagree with.

~ I finished reading up to volume 3 of Hourou Musuko. I'm enjoying it so far. I like how it looks at the social pressures of trans kids, and how they try to deal with things. Definitely worth reading, if the manga stays at this level of quality.

~ Slept horribly, thanks to construction work taking place literally right in front of my house. Complete with jackhammers. Ugh. I could have done without that. And because of that, plus the fact that it's really chilly tonight, all I want to do is curl up under blankets and read, but I'm afraid of falling asleep and messing up my sleep schedule.
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~ Caught up on episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. The fact that I'm not a kid doesn't make that show any less awesome.

~ Apparently getting chest reconstruction will set me back about $7,500 plus whatever it costs to travel to Ontario and back. Which puts that firmly out of my price range for the foreseeable future. I could theoretically lose enough weight to get to a BMI of 27 or under, and then my provincial health plan might be willing to help with a reduction that would take of 1-3 cup sizes, but that's a solution that requires about as much time and effort as the reconstruction, without the benefit of actually having my chest properly reconstructed. I'm unfortunate enough to live in 1 of the 2 provinces where gender reassignment surgery isn't covered by a provincial health plan, so I can either get a half-assed solution for free, or pay out of pocket for what I really need and want.

I didn't think something could be so hopeful and yet so depressing at the same time...

~ Had a really tasty chicken lasagna for supper! It was a prepackaged one, not one that I made myself, but it was a good price and really good, so I'd probably buy it again when I'm in the mood to eat decent food but not to cook it from scratch.

Though cooking a chicken lasagna from scratch might be fun too.

~ Once again, slept way too late for comfort. I think it was partly because it was so hot again, and I have a hard time sleeping in the heat. It's supposed to be much cooler for the rest of the week, so I hope that helps me get to sleep sooner so I'm not wasting a good chunk of the night just trying to get out of bed.


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December 2015

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