fandrogyne: (reflection)
Had a hard time tonight, finding out that a friend's aunt had passed away. It wasn't unexpected. She'd had two bouts of lung cancer followed by severe COPD, and was on oxygen almost constantly, afraid to leave home in case something happened. She apparently took a bad attack and was rushed to the hospital, where they thought they'd gotten her stabilized and she was recovering, but less than an hour after declaring that, she just took a major downturn and didn't come out of it.

I met her more than a few times. I didn't get to know her particularly well, not like some people, but she was already ready with a hug and fond wishes, even though I was only the friend of her relative. You'd never know it by the way she treated me. Full of kindness, she was.

She loved butterflies.

It's tough. Like I said, it wasn't unexpected. She's never been in the greatest of health, she's never weighed more than 100 pounds, and two bouts with lung cancer is bad for anybody, let alone someone with no reserves. Her lungs were already lousy from a life spent smoking, and then after the cancer came really bad COPD, and she had a hard time dealing with all the setbacks and restrictions that so much illness placed on her. My friend has been half expecting the call for a couple of years now, especially after the cancer came back a second time.

I don't want to say, "It was her time." That makes it all sound preordained, which hurts worse because that means somebody planned all this pain. I don't like thinking of it that way, because even if somebody takes inspiration from what happened and chooses to quit smoking or take better care of themselves or whatever, there are better ways to inspire someone to that than setting someone up to fail so they can be an example to others. Whatever deities I believe in, I don't believe in ones that would be so cruel.

So I won't say that it was her time to go. But I will say that I don't think she had any more in her to give. She went through a lot, more than many, and when it all piles up, sometimes the fight goes out of a person and they have no more reason to keep hanging onto pain just for the sake of life.

So it's a little comfort to know that she's no longer suffering the way she had been. That the ordeal for her is over.

The rest of us? We carry on. I'm not the one in the most pain over her loss. I think that dubious honour goes to her son, who lost his mother before he was even 30 years old. Or her two older sisters, who just lost their youngest sibling.

But I do feel grief and loss over this, and I'm going to allow myself to feel it and not feel bad for mourning someone I wasn't especially close with or related to. I'll do my best to be there for my friend, and I'll grieve in my way, and, callous though it sounds, life will go on, even though it lacks a certain something for some people now.

Date: December 17th, 2015 04:47 am (UTC)From: [personal profile] lassarina
lassarina: (LockexCeles: Night Sky)
I'm sorry for your friend's loss, and yours.

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